Closing statements in the trial of the Hamburglar‏

The Prosecution

Your Honour, the Jury, here are the facts as have been established throughout this trial:

  1. On 21st December 2010, National Hamburger day last year, Mr Ronald McDonald was putting the finishing touches to roughly 1,000 hamburgers, made from prime minced beef and a selection of spices and herbs. These preparations were complete by noon. Mr. McDonald then tended to his allotment, the Hamburger Patch, for a couple of hours.
  2. Someone entered Mr. McDonald’s house at roughly 12:15 on that day. That same someone fed Sundae, Mr. McDonald’s dog, what we now know to be a piece of meat that was laced with tranquilliser. The Professor’s analysis of the meat fed to Sundae was unable to determine the specific tranquilliser, suggesting that a particularly devious individual was responsible.
  3. This person then proceeded to remove all of Mr. McDonald’s hamburgers into a white U-haul van, registration ETH-5697. This van was then caught on traffic cameras heading towards Brooklyn, where Mr. Hamburglar happens to reside. Subsequent investigations have revealed that the person who hired the van paid cash in an attempt to hide their identity.
  4. Mr. Hamburglar claims to have been in a bar, drinking with his good friend, Mr. Grimace, during this time.  However, neither Mr. Grimace nor the barman who was supposed to have served them has any recollection of seeing Mr. Hamburglar that day.
  5. However, forensic examination of the U-Haul van, which was found by Officer Big Mac parked in a lay-by, discovered Mr. Hamburglar’s fingerprints on one of the van’s interior door handles. Furthermore, a gang of children, who call themselves ‘The Fry Kids’ claim to have seen someone fitting the description of Mr. Hamburglar running away from the van after stopping in the lay-by.
  6. Finally, Captain Crook has stated that Mr. Hamburglar tried to board his ship, sailing to Argentina (with whom we have no extradition treaty) just two days after Mr. McDonald’s hamburgers were stolen. Mr. Hamburglar was described by Captain Crook as looking “dishevelled” and having “bits of meat and crumbs around his mouth”.

You have also heard evidence from a Miss Birdie about her relationships with both Mr. McDonald and Mr. Hamburglar. Her allegations that Mr. McDonald used to beat her and that she was saved by Mr. Hamburglar have not been proven and are an obvious attempt by the Defence to discredit Mr. McDonald. It is up to you to decide whether or not Miss Birdie’s allegations have any bearing on the identity of the thief, but bear this in mind when you do: it provides Mr. Hamburglar with a motive. Specifically, revenge.

The Defence have also claimed that this case has only been brought because Mayor McCheese is up for re-election next month and that he is desperate for another term of office. You must put these allegations out of your mind, and judge this case solely on the evidence, as described previously, that has been put before you in this trial.

In summary, therefore, it is our case that Mr. Hamburglar did drug Mr. McDonald’s dog, steal Mr. McDonald’s 100% beef hamburgers and then try to flee the country only a couple of days later.

The Defence

My client is vegan.

Thomas the Tank Engine Reminisces

It’s a long time since I was last on Sodor. Once the rails were electrified, there was no need for us steam-powered engines any more. That was it for us really. Some of us were lucky and got sold to other island railways that hadn’t been electrified yet, but most weren’t that lucky.

Edward was particularly unlucky. He was sold, along with James to the Alderney Railway. Of course, with a railway system that small there wasn’t any actual need for two engines, so James was the one that actually got to run around outside. Edward was just used for spare parts. Imagine that! An engine bought just for spare parts. They cannibalised Edward over the course of a few years. Taking him apart piece-by-piece. I can’t imagine the pain he must have been in. From what I hear all that’s left are the footplate, main boiler and face. Poor Edward. James seems to be ok though. Despite now being some sort of James-Edward hybrid. Mind you, even Alderney looks like they’ll be electrifying things soon.

Soon after Sodor electrified, Henry came out as gay. This wasn’t a shock to any of us – we’d all reckoned he was homosexual since he refused to come out of the tunnel when it was raining. What was more surprising was that Percy came out at the same time. It turns out that Henry and Percy had been lovers ever since Henry’s arrival on Sodor. Now I’m no racist, but it seems that you can’t trust green engines at all. That Duck was a bit sly too. Anyway, the world wasn’t ready for a gay engine, so neither Henry nor Percy was sold to an existing railway. Instead, they were donated to museums. Henry went to the British Transport Museum, while Percy was sent to the National Railway Museum. As far as I know, they haven’t been run in anger since. Instead, they get a run out on some disused line only every ten years or so for the benefit of some rich fan.

The one success story after Sodor’s closure was Gordon. He became the pride of the Isle of Wight’s steam railway. And you thought he was insufferably pompous while on Sodor! Now he barely deigns to pull any carriages, preferring instead to rest in his own shed while being fed lumps of coal by scantily-clad trucks. Yes; he does have his very own shed. That’ll soon end though. My sources tell me that the people in charge are getting annoyed and may sell him. To Angola!

The proliferation of trams meant that Toby was never short of firms wanting his services. He must have run on for at least five or six different tram systems by now. He’s currently working on the Santa Cruz tram system. Fancy that! Getting to carry tourists around Tenerife. Must be a nice life, the lucky bugger!

The hardest bit for me was seeing Annie and Clarabel separated. Having grown up together, they were sold separately. Annie went to Denmark, while Clarabel went to Poland. Annie’s now used as part of the Royal Train in Denmark. Sadly, Clarabel was destroyed in the Otloczyn accident in 1989.

As for me, I’ve been in this museum on Sodor for 50 years now. As part of Sodor’s transport museum I share a building with Harold, Bertie and Trevor. There were a great many visitors in the early days. We’re lucky to get ten people in a week now. Except for the school excursion parties of course. all those children making such a noise! They clamber all over you as well. Kids these days! I can’ think of anything I hate more than kids. Never mind though, they’re shutting this place down for good in a few months. Then hopefully I’ll be free.

Alternative Weapons Inc.

Notes for the big presentation

Introduction.

Thank everyone

We are Alternative Weapons Inc.

Purpose:
New development of technologically advanced weapons

 

Slide 1

Firm set up in 1956

Aim: To invent weapons that can be easily disguised

Now have our FIRST EVER range of weapons.

 

Slide 2

Development process – history

Consumer surveys in late 1950s.

  • Highlighted lack of “disguisable” weapons
  • 10 years spent on developing “broom guns” and kettle grenades.
  • Unsuccessful so swept under the carpet

*pause for laughter*

More consumer surveys in 1970s

  • Importance of making veterans feel useful.

In the past decade

  • Government military cutbacks
  • Need to cut costs

 

Slide 3

Development process of current weapons

Goals we need to satisfy:

  1. Weapons need to be disguisable.
  2. Weapons need to be used by Vietnam vets
  3. i.e. the old
  4. *mention possibility of getting vets involved in the army*
  5. Weapons need to be cheap to build

 

Slide 4

The main attraction – remember the MOCK DRUM ROLL

The “Zimmer” frame

Basic features:

  • tubular steel frame
  • rubberised handles for extra grip
  • front legs contain shot-guns
  • pull back on handles to load
  • twist to fire
  • patented StabilityPro(TM) 5 leg layout

poss: demonstration? Need to find an old person to operate it. Searchnursing homes.

 

Slide 5

Zimmer is fully customisable

instead of shot-guns, can have:

  • Tommy gun
  • RPG launcher
  • Rifle
  • Dart Gun
  • Water squirter

comes in a range of colours

  • black
  • silver
  • camo

other optional extras

  • knife sheath
  • radio antenna
  • shopping basket

Price:
£100 for the zimmer + £500k for the weaponisation

Buy 10 and we’ll throw in a free Shuriken holder with each zimmer.

 

Slide 6

Other weapons in the range:

Armoured mobility scooter:

  • 2 person capacity
  • Speed: 2-4mph
  • Range: 10-15 miles
  • Weaponry: Manned Machine gun

Explosive “Fixodent”

  • 1lb is equivalent to 10lbs of C4
  • Sticks to all materials, including gums

Robotic Shopping basket

  • 2 robotic arms
  • Blast Shield
  • Can hold all your weekly shopping

 

Slide 7

Sum up

Any questions?

Note – likely questions:

When can these weapons be ready?

Do we get discounts for bulk purchases?

What other weapons do you have in development?

The wandering ant

There I was, going about my job carrying bits of leaves back to the nest, when there it was. Right in front of me. As if by magic. Some greater being, some God-like entity must have laid it out for me as a reward. Good karma, if you will.

Once I’d got over the shock of my discovery, I began to notice the little details. The ground I was walking on turned from brown to red and orange and white. The new ground felt different too. Softer. More relaxing.

I was tempted to stop, lie back and relax there and then, but I’d never have forgiven myself if I didn’t move on and make the most of this wonderful gift. So, I ventured on, deeper inward. I soon came across a towering, beige-coloured object. I tried climbing it, but was bamboozled by its criss-cross construction and many thin tendrils. I would have to look elsewhere.

Walking a little further, I reached what appeared at first to be multiple copies of the same object. Many clear, fairly short, four-walled entities arranged in a disorderly fashion. On clearer inspection, however, it became clear that their identical nature was an illusion. For each object contained a different colour. A different quantity.

I tried to climb up the walls of one of these objects, but their smooth nature defeated me. I was beginning to feel that this wasn’t the gift I had first thought. Nevertheless, I soldiered on.

And achieved my first success. A heavy clear container had been left on its side, and a sticky red substance had leeched out onto the ground. At first, I was cautious – red means danger and all that. I approached with trepidation. Then I caught a whiff of the substance’s heavenly aroma and rushed towards the red.

I jumped into it head first. I didn’t penetrate the surface, but instead floated on top. I could see seeds beneath me, caught in the substance, but wasn’t able to reach them. I just lay on my back and relaxed. Drifting off to sleep.

I awoke after a least a minute. Clearly I’d been asleep for a long time. I needed to move quickly if I was to explore the rest of this manna. On my way to leave the substance, I sank into it. Desperately trying to reach the edge of the substance, reach fresh air, be able to breath again, I failed. I ingested some of the substance. It was sensational. The flavours. The texture. People I’ve spoken to claim the near-death experience means I don’t remember the taste of the substance accurately. But I do. I only wish I could have brought some back with me for others to try.

It took me a while to catch my breath. While doing so, I’d spotted something shining not to far away. It was getting late and I needed to get back, but I was determined to check this shining thing out. When I reached The Great Shiner, it was resting on a white, circular object, such that the Shiner’s shaft was on an incline. Naturally, I climbed up it and one of its three prongs. Form this vantage point. I could see the beige tower and red, sticky substance from where I’d come. The strange-coloured ground carried on for what seemed like forever. It almost reached the horizon. I knew I wouldn’t be able to explore all of it in the time I had left, so made a mental note of this place’s location and started to head back down the shiny shaft.

I was halfway down when four monstrous shadows appeared, looming over me. I quickened my pace, managing to skirt around the sticky substance before I suddenly felt incredibly warm. I looked up. Another shiny object, this time circular with a shaft at one end (part of which was gripped by some giant, unknown, unknowable, entity) was directly above me. The circular part seemed to contain a Sun. it was that hot.

I ran as fast as I could to the edge of the strange ground. Reaching the earth I knew, was familiar with, I began to zigzag between the spiky bits of green that I knew so well. The second Sun no longer followed me. I had escaped.

When I returned to my nest, my brothers were relieved to see me home safe. They asked me why I was late and I related my story to them. They didn’t believe me. When, during the next day, they sent others to the location I remembered, everything had gone. No strange-coloured ground, no sticky red stuff, nothing. The others began to suggest that I see a doctor. So I did. Neither he nor his colleagues believed me either. Their responses were uniformly incredulous. And yet them seemed to be strangely intrigued. So they sent me here. ‘For my own safety’ they said. Really, it’s so they can study me. They’re the only people that see me now, the doctors. Well, the nurses clean me and what not, but they don;’t really “see” me – they look right through me. They don’t believe me either.

But you believe me, don’t you?

Cap’n Crunch has a new rival

Hey kids, look at me! Don’t I look tasty? And all these vibrant colours! They add to the flavour! Yummy, yummy flavour! I taste of chocolate, ice-cream, and sweets. All in one cereal! Aren’t I great?

Plus, marshmallows! Yummy marshmallows. I haven’t copied this idea from other breakfast cereals at all! Likewise my honey nut goodness, my flakes made of corn, or happy looking “o”s. I’m a 100% original breakfast cereal.

And sugar! Lots and lots of sugar! But don’t tell your parents that. Tell them I’m nutritious. And I contain lots of bran. Parents lap that shit right up. They can’t get enough of bran. But you and me, we know the real truth. That’ll be our little secret.

Look – a free toy! You can eat that too if you want. And it’s just small enough to swallow too! But it’s more fun to play with. Especially at the same time as you’re eating me. That’s right, drop it in the milk. But don’t eat the toy – eat me instead. I taste far more like plastic than the toy, so if it’s that unforgettable plastic taste you want, then eat me!

Did I forget to mention that I make the milk go rainbow coloured? I did? Well, there you go – add me to milk and the milk changes colour. Magic! The FDA claim that’s because my artificial colourings leak into the milk and they’re right! But don’t tell that to mummy or daddy. No! Instead, tell them I’m all natural. No added preservatives or colourings. Another of our little secrets!

Look, look at this box! It just screams “tasty”! Now, go and scream “tasty” to your parents while pointing at me. Go on, do it! And if that doesn’t work, start crying. You know crying always works! If your parents don’t buy me it means they don’t love you. Don’t let them buy those bran flakes. Get them to buy me! Then you can have a happy family! Throw a tantrum to make them buy me and your parents will love you!

The Frustrated Prince of Bel-Air

Now this is the story all about how

I flipped out and gunned people down

And now I’m wanting you to stay right there

I’ll tell you why I’m waving a gun in the air.

 

In west Philadelphia born and raised

An office cubicle’s where I spend most of my days

Stressing out, faxing, using PowerPoint tools,

And setting up Outlook’s junk mail rules

When the boss walks in, things do not look good,

He comes round to my desk, clearly in a bad mood

I tell him “things are all right”, but he doesn’t care

He says I’m being relocated to our office in Bel-air.

 

I whistled for a cab and when it came near

I told the driver to head over here

Stopped for a Mach-11 when nearly there

And I thought this is the day people will finally care.

 

I got into the office about seven or eight

And I shouted to them all about my fate

While giving them a menacing stare

And gunned down the members of the office in Bel-Air

 

A complaint to Mayfair Games

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to complain about your board game “The Settlers of Catan”. This game paints a false picture of life on Catan.

For a start, Catan has a thriving economy that is based on more than just the primary sector businesses included in your board game. We are one of the world’s foremost providers of insurance services and are leading global research into nanotechnology. Tourism is also an important part of our economy, yet none of these businesses are included in your game. Instead, you portray us as lowly primary-sector workers who only contribute wool, ore, grain and lumber to the world. And please tell me, how do hills yield bricks? You completely ignore the massive industry (such as kilns etc.) needed in brick production. Instead, you indicate that Catan magically obtains its bricks from some hills.

Furthermore, your statement that “there is no 7” is a blatant claim that we cannot count. This is a bare-faced lie! Some of the world’s greatest mathematicians have settled in Catan. Moreover our education system has a well-established curriculum to ensure that all high-school leavers graduate with the necessary arithmetical skills in order to contribute fully to our economy.

To assert that there is a “robber” amongst us is defamatory! Crime rates on Catan are among the lowest on the world, particularly for burglary and muggings. While there is the odd case of sheep-rustling and illegal logging, your use of a robber as a major part of Catan is unwarranted.

What’s worse, though, is your portrayal of our political system. To claim that Catan consists of a group of militaristic barons is erroneous at best. Our county-based government system has proven successful in developing roads and cities on our island and we have not had any civil war for at least five turns.

Even your cartographic representation of our island is incorrect. Catan looks nothing like the map you use. It’s shaped like an isosceles triangle, not the hexagonal shape used in your board game. And where is this desert that you have placed right where our capital city is?

I hope you issue a full apology for your misleading depiction of the inhabitants of Catan and rename your game. May I suggest the title “The Settlers of Monkey Island” be used?

Yours faithfully,

Andrew Setlar.

Tasting Notes

Vimto 2010 – Deep purple colouration, although some clarity remains. Notes of summer berries on the nose. Firm taste of blackcurrants and raspberries, with subtler remnants of oak and black pepper in the after-taste. Drink now.

7Up 2008 – Clear liquid. Good carbonation that isn’t overpowering. Scents include lime and bison grass. Minor hints of basil too. A strong citrus taste, discernible even to the novice. Less obvious are the hints of pine and cardamom. Wholeheartedly recommended

Coca Cola ’82 – Heavy on the nose with hints of caramel and earthiness. Strong flavours of molasses and fruit, enhanced by the low carbonation. Slight truffle character with hints of cinnamon and nutmeg. Slightly acidic after-taste. An experience to be savoured.

Dr. Pepper 2007 – Dark tint, almost completely opaque. Decent nose – mixed fruits stand out. Subtle scents of aniseed and ginger underneath. The flavours mirror the scent, with the addition of hints of cocoa. At its best now – don’t hesitate to drink.

Irn-Bru 2011 – Vibrant orange colour. Strong nose – plenty of orange and lavender. Less powerful to taste – clear flavours of citrus and burnt toast. OK, but would benefit from a few years’ maturation.

Crush 2010 – Good clarity, with yellow tint. Hints of pineapple and nettles on the nose. Little taste to start with. Good levels of carbonation allow the middle flavours of citrus and exotic fruits to come through. A slight hint of mango in the mild after-taste that doesn’t linger. Satisfactory.

Tizer 1997 – Pale red colour. Some sediment at the bottom, so requires decanting. Almost nothing on the nose – a minor hint of orchards. Very weak taste of summer fruits. Clearly past its best.

The show must go on

No, it’s OK. The show will go on. This is just a minor setback. The
stage-hand didn’t mean to drop the chest of drawers on Dave’s foot.
If anything Dave was to blame for having his foot under the chest of
drawers anyway. Dave’s understudy is getting ready now, so it should
be fine. All he’s got to do is find someone to play his part and then
we’ll be fine.

You mean having the lead actor’s understudy playing a supporting role
isn’t particularly clever? Well, there are plenty of jobbing actors
hanging out round the back of the building. We’ll just have to get
one that isn’t too high from huffing glue. And it’s not as though
anything else can go wrong.

What’s that? Part of the gantry has fallen down? How on earth did that
happen? Well is the lighting guy injured? A couple of broken bones?
Tell him to get back up there and fix the lighting then. We might be
able to replace an actor, but there’s a real shortage of lighting
techs now.

Unfortunately half of the sets were destroyed in a fire last week, so we’re having to make do with sets made from cardboard and double-sided tape. Yeah, we’ve roped in the cast’s children to help. Although that means some of the dancers have come down with shingles, we’ve made real progress with the sets. Plus, the kids get to learn about the theatre too, so everyone wins.

Right. Almost ready now. Bugger; where have the plastic swords gone? Melted? Balls! We’ll just have to use the real ones. And they’ve just been sharpened too. Well, there’s no choice now. What can go wrong anyway?

OK guys – curtain up in five. And remember to watch out for the fire-breathing dragon in the front twenty rows.

Colonel Sanders releases a statement after being exonerated by a military tribunal

COLONEL SANDERS EXONERATED ON CHARGES OF AIDING AND ABETTING THE ENEMY.

Contact: Lieutenant Smith, KC PR Office

555-7983

June 14th, 2011

Louisville, Kentucky: Colonel Sanders is a free man once again. Having been charged with aiding and abetting the enemy in multiple combat situations across the world, Colonel Sanders has been exonerated of all these charges and been offered a full apology by the United States Military.

When KFC opened its first outlet in Pakistan in 1997, it was welcomed as a landmark in US-Pakistan relations. Since then, things turned sour, with accusations flying that KFC was feeding the Taliban and turning a blind eye to arms deals being conducted by groups of men sharing a Family FeastTM. Worse was to come in April 2010 when Colonel Sanders was personally accused of supplying the enemy with weapons in the form of those little toys you sometimes get with children’s meals. Remanded in custody from until his trial, Colonel Sanders had maintained his innocence throughout and has now been vindicated.

On leaving the court, Colonel Sanders said, “I would like to thank my fans for their support, my family for their unquestioning love and my cell mate for his amusing impressions of Ronald McDonald and The Hamburglar. I will be suing for compensation against the US Military for all their defamatory statements, particularly the one about the lack of chicken in my Chicken ManiaTM meal.”

At this point, it is important to note that the release of Colonel Sanders has nothing to do with KFC agreeing to update the Army’s MRE (Meals Ready-to-Eat) rations to include the Zinger BurgerTM and KFC’s Spicy SubTM.

Notes for Editors:

Colonel Sanders opened his first restaurant in 1930, before expanding his business to include other franchisees. He sold the KFC business in 1964, but was kept on as a figurehead.

KFC is part of the Yum! Brands Group and has franchises in 109 countries and sells food that is healthy and nutritious.  

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