Monthly Archives: July 2011
Vimto 2010 – Deep purple colouration, although some clarity remains. Notes of summer berries on the nose. Firm taste of blackcurrants and raspberries, with subtler remnants of oak and black pepper in the after-taste. Drink now.
7Up 2008 – Clear liquid. Good carbonation that isn’t overpowering. Scents include lime and bison grass. Minor hints of basil too. A strong citrus taste, discernible even to the novice. Less obvious are the hints of pine and cardamom. Wholeheartedly recommended
Coca Cola ’82 – Heavy on the nose with hints of caramel and earthiness. Strong flavours of molasses and fruit, enhanced by the low carbonation. Slight truffle character with hints of cinnamon and nutmeg. Slightly acidic after-taste. An experience to be savoured.
Dr. Pepper 2007 – Dark tint, almost completely opaque. Decent nose – mixed fruits stand out. Subtle scents of aniseed and ginger underneath. The flavours mirror the scent, with the addition of hints of cocoa. At its best now – don’t hesitate to drink.
Irn-Bru 2011 – Vibrant orange colour. Strong nose – plenty of orange and lavender. Less powerful to taste – clear flavours of citrus and burnt toast. OK, but would benefit from a few years’ maturation.
Crush 2010 – Good clarity, with yellow tint. Hints of pineapple and nettles on the nose. Little taste to start with. Good levels of carbonation allow the middle flavours of citrus and exotic fruits to come through. A slight hint of mango in the mild after-taste that doesn’t linger. Satisfactory.
Tizer 1997 – Pale red colour. Some sediment at the bottom, so requires decanting. Almost nothing on the nose – a minor hint of orchards. Very weak taste of summer fruits. Clearly past its best.
No, it’s OK. The show will go on. This is just a minor setback. The
stage-hand didn’t mean to drop the chest of drawers on Dave’s foot.
If anything Dave was to blame for having his foot under the chest of
drawers anyway. Dave’s understudy is getting ready now, so it should
be fine. All he’s got to do is find someone to play his part and then
we’ll be fine.
You mean having the lead actor’s understudy playing a supporting role
isn’t particularly clever? Well, there are plenty of jobbing actors
hanging out round the back of the building. We’ll just have to get
one that isn’t too high from huffing glue. And it’s not as though
anything else can go wrong.
What’s that? Part of the gantry has fallen down? How on earth did that
happen? Well is the lighting guy injured? A couple of broken bones?
Tell him to get back up there and fix the lighting then. We might be
able to replace an actor, but there’s a real shortage of lighting
Unfortunately half of the sets were destroyed in a fire last week, so we’re having to make do with sets made from cardboard and double-sided tape. Yeah, we’ve roped in the cast’s children to help. Although that means some of the dancers have come down with shingles, we’ve made real progress with the sets. Plus, the kids get to learn about the theatre too, so everyone wins.
Right. Almost ready now. Bugger; where have the plastic swords gone? Melted? Balls! We’ll just have to use the real ones. And they’ve just been sharpened too. Well, there’s no choice now. What can go wrong anyway?
OK guys – curtain up in five. And remember to watch out for the fire-breathing dragon in the front twenty rows.
COLONEL SANDERS EXONERATED ON CHARGES OF AIDING AND ABETTING THE ENEMY.
Contact: Lieutenant Smith, KC PR Office
June 14th, 2011
Louisville, Kentucky: Colonel Sanders is a free man once again. Having been charged with aiding and abetting the enemy in multiple combat situations across the world, Colonel Sanders has been exonerated of all these charges and been offered a full apology by the United States Military.
When KFC opened its first outlet in Pakistan in 1997, it was welcomed as a landmark in US-Pakistan relations. Since then, things turned sour, with accusations flying that KFC was feeding the Taliban and turning a blind eye to arms deals being conducted by groups of men sharing a Family FeastTM. Worse was to come in April 2010 when Colonel Sanders was personally accused of supplying the enemy with weapons in the form of those little toys you sometimes get with children’s meals. Remanded in custody from until his trial, Colonel Sanders had maintained his innocence throughout and has now been vindicated.
On leaving the court, Colonel Sanders said, “I would like to thank my fans for their support, my family for their unquestioning love and my cell mate for his amusing impressions of Ronald McDonald and The Hamburglar. I will be suing for compensation against the US Military for all their defamatory statements, particularly the one about the lack of chicken in my Chicken ManiaTM meal.”
At this point, it is important to note that the release of Colonel Sanders has nothing to do with KFC agreeing to update the Army’s MRE (Meals Ready-to-Eat) rations to include the Zinger BurgerTM and KFC’s Spicy SubTM.
Notes for Editors:
Colonel Sanders opened his first restaurant in 1930, before expanding his business to include other franchisees. He sold the KFC business in 1964, but was kept on as a figurehead.
KFC is part of the Yum! Brands Group and has franchises in 109 countries and sells food that is healthy and nutritious.
Jack the Stabby
Jack the Rapey
Jack the Misunderstood
Jack the Slightly Deranged
The cubit zirconium skull
Those silica packets you get in new briefcases
The horse’s hoof
The English Blackbird
A ring from a packet of Haribo starmix
In the years since the end of ‘The Famous Five’ many have wondered
what became of Julian, Dick and the rest of the gang. Apart from
vicious rumours that they became involved in a drug-smuggling ring,
little has been heard from them since their visit to see Tinker. Some
put this down to the nature of the ‘secret papers’ that went
missing, although both MI5 and MI6 have denied any knowledge of this.
Recently, there have been renewed efforts to find The Famous Five,
particularly since the mysterious circumstances surrounding Uncle
Quentin’s death. However, no-one has been successful until now –
where the police and security services failed, we have been able to
track down the surviving members of the group. Here’s what they
have been up to.
Julian has managed to retain his youthful looks and, from the outside, does not appear to have aged a day since the end of the series. The reality, however, is different. Julian suffers from chronic arthritis and finds it difficult to stand, let alone walk. It is a far cry from the times when Julian used to run marathons for fun after the Five
went their separate ways. Combining his long-distance running with a long career as a post man has evidently taken their toll on Julian’s
joints. Unfortunately, Julian is now housebound and has to rely on home help since his wife passed away last year. However, he is scheduled for an experimental joint-replacement therapy, which may allow him to walk short distances free of pain.
The funny man of the Five, it is perhaps unsurprising that Dick managed
to forge a relatively successful career as a comedy magician.
Performing under the stage name ‘Dastardly Dick’, he has
supported various stand-up comedians on their UK tours. Now working
on a cruise ship based in the Mediterranean, Dick has no plans to
retire despite his advancing years.
Anne has experienced a tough time of things lately. She suffers from a
number of neurological disorders, including post-traumatic stress
disorder, chronic fear, and OCD. These disorders culminated in Anne
suffering a complete psychological breakdown almost a decade ago,
since when she has resided in a nursing home. Although not catatonic,
Anne is unable to hold conversations about any subject other than her
claustrophobia. Her doctors have stated that part of the reason for
Anne’s disorders may well be due to the rest of the Five forcing
her to join them, despite her clear signs of distress and fear.
As may have been evident from her behavioural difficulties during the
Five’s escapades, Georgina had great difficulty coming to terms
with her sexuality. These difficulties persisted after the end of
the Five. It was only after deciding to undergo a sex change that
Georgina, or George as he now prefers to be known, was finally able
to be happy. George describes the release of pressure once he finally
became a man as ‘phenomenal’. In George’s words, it gave him
‘the freedom to live as he wanted to’. Asked what he felt about
his time with the Five, George was reluctant to discuss the Five. It
seems that he blames them for his unhappiness and being forced to
conform to the ‘tomboy’ stereotype rather than be the man he
wanted to be.
Since the sex change, George has lived a varied life. Among the highlights are his attempt to qualify for the British Archery team for the 1984 Olympics, spending two years in the French Foreign Legion, and being involved in Labour’s 1997 General Election victory. Now settled in a village just outside Dorchester, George spends most of his time
maintaining the gardens surrounding his thatched cottage.
Sadly Timmy was run over by a HGV when a workman renovating George’s
house left the door open and Timmy, thinking that he can finally get
to go on another adventure, bound out of the house and into the
middle of the road. Timmy now resides in an urn on the mantel above
he fire in George’s living room.
Jo fell in with a bad crowd once away from the positive influence of the Five. Once the group broke up, Jo tried to rediscover her roots by returning to the circus her parents previously worked for. However, she was ostracised by the circus community for her links to the Five, and was forced to live on the streets, travelling from town to town. It was five years until Jo was able to turn her life around by coming up with the idea for the ATM. Selling her idea to Barclays made her a multi-millionaire, although she still prefers to keep this quiet from the people she knows. Now, happily married with three children, Jo is happily married with three children and runs the local pub in a small village in rural England.
Since Uncle Quentin’s death (which she refuses to talk about) Aunt Fanny has withdrawn completely from society. Previously very active in her local Conservative club as well a keen participant in regional tennis tournaments, Aunt Fanny now restricts herself to the occasional doubles match at her local leisure centre.
GENERIC CITY SAFARIS invites you to join us for a delightful urban safari.
Come and enjoy the amazing sights of an urban sprawl. Experience the real-life atmosphere of grid-locked roads during the “rush hour”. With GENERIC CITY SAFARIS you can witness species in their natural habitat: the tired office worker, the wandering tourist, and the retired drinkers. The lucky few may even chance upon that rarity – the sophisticated homeless person (for GUARANTEED sightings of this most amazing sight, see the section on guided tours below).
Accommodation: At GENERIC CITY SAFARIS we provide you with accommodation to suit YOUR needs. Whether that be walls or running water, we can satisfy all your most basic needs. However, for that most authentic of city experiences, we recommend our Deluxe Cardboard rooms. These rooms, refurbished daily, are constructed from the most exquisite corrugated cardboard boxes. With built-in air conditioning and dramatic city-views, the Deluxe Cardboard rooms must be seen to be fully appreciated.
Dining: On your GENERIC CITY SAFARI you will feast on all the local
delicacies. Our tour guides know all the best dining establishments,
so your journey will be filled with such culinary delights as kebabs,
hot dogs from street vendors, packets of crisps obtained from
functioning vending machines. Friday nights are our special takeaway
nights – that’s right! Those of you with us on Fridays will get to
have your very own takeaway. That’s worth the journey on its own.
The natural sounds of the city: You can’t get through A GENERIC CITY
SAFARI without the sounds of the city. Depending on your location you
can enjoy the sounds of honking horns, pneumatic drills, drunken
fights, ridiculously loud music, and much, much more. Disclaimer:
although hearing aids can be provided, those vacationers who are hard
of hearing may not be able to fully enjoy this aspect of their
GENERIC CITY SAFARI.
Families: GENERIC CITY SAFARIS are suitable for families as well as individual travellers. Children of all ages are most welcome and are highly unlikely to go missing during your holiday.
Guided tours: A GENERIC CITY SAFARI experience would not be complete without one of our world-renowned guided tours. We offer tours of all the highlights, or if you prefer, those areas off the beaten track. Tours include “The Two Pub Pub Crawl”, “The Sophisticated Homeless”, “Taxi-spotting”, and our most popular “Road works and Other Traffic”. During the summer we also offer a “Street-cleaning” tour, allowing our guests to become one with the city through its discarded street-litter.
Location: We offer safaris in a large number of generic cities, and this number is increasing every day. For information on your nearest GENERIC CITY SAFARI contact us by shouting really, really loudly.