Monthly Archives: August 2011

Cap’n Crunch has a new rival

Hey kids, look at me! Don’t I look tasty? And all these vibrant colours! They add to the flavour! Yummy, yummy flavour! I taste of chocolate, ice-cream, and sweets. All in one cereal! Aren’t I great?

Plus, marshmallows! Yummy marshmallows. I haven’t copied this idea from other breakfast cereals at all! Likewise my honey nut goodness, my flakes made of corn, or happy looking “o”s. I’m a 100% original breakfast cereal.

And sugar! Lots and lots of sugar! But don’t tell your parents that. Tell them I’m nutritious. And I contain lots of bran. Parents lap that shit right up. They can’t get enough of bran. But you and me, we know the real truth. That’ll be our little secret.

Look – a free toy! You can eat that too if you want. And it’s just small enough to swallow too! But it’s more fun to play with. Especially at the same time as you’re eating me. That’s right, drop it in the milk. But don’t eat the toy – eat me instead. I taste far more like plastic than the toy, so if it’s that unforgettable plastic taste you want, then eat me!

Did I forget to mention that I make the milk go rainbow coloured? I did? Well, there you go – add me to milk and the milk changes colour. Magic! The FDA claim that’s because my artificial colourings leak into the milk and they’re right! But don’t tell that to mummy or daddy. No! Instead, tell them I’m all natural. No added preservatives or colourings. Another of our little secrets!

Look, look at this box! It just screams “tasty”! Now, go and scream “tasty” to your parents while pointing at me. Go on, do it! And if that doesn’t work, start crying. You know crying always works! If your parents don’t buy me it means they don’t love you. Don’t let them buy those bran flakes. Get them to buy me! Then you can have a happy family! Throw a tantrum to make them buy me and your parents will love you!


The Frustrated Prince of Bel-Air

Now this is the story all about how

I flipped out and gunned people down

And now I’m wanting you to stay right there

I’ll tell you why I’m waving a gun in the air.


In west Philadelphia born and raised

An office cubicle’s where I spend most of my days

Stressing out, faxing, using PowerPoint tools,

And setting up Outlook’s junk mail rules

When the boss walks in, things do not look good,

He comes round to my desk, clearly in a bad mood

I tell him “things are all right”, but he doesn’t care

He says I’m being relocated to our office in Bel-air.


I whistled for a cab and when it came near

I told the driver to head over here

Stopped for a Mach-11 when nearly there

And I thought this is the day people will finally care.


I got into the office about seven or eight

And I shouted to them all about my fate

While giving them a menacing stare

And gunned down the members of the office in Bel-Air


A complaint to Mayfair Games

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to complain about your board game “The Settlers of Catan”. This game paints a false picture of life on Catan.

For a start, Catan has a thriving economy that is based on more than just the primary sector businesses included in your board game. We are one of the world’s foremost providers of insurance services and are leading global research into nanotechnology. Tourism is also an important part of our economy, yet none of these businesses are included in your game. Instead, you portray us as lowly primary-sector workers who only contribute wool, ore, grain and lumber to the world. And please tell me, how do hills yield bricks? You completely ignore the massive industry (such as kilns etc.) needed in brick production. Instead, you indicate that Catan magically obtains its bricks from some hills.

Furthermore, your statement that “there is no 7” is a blatant claim that we cannot count. This is a bare-faced lie! Some of the world’s greatest mathematicians have settled in Catan. Moreover our education system has a well-established curriculum to ensure that all high-school leavers graduate with the necessary arithmetical skills in order to contribute fully to our economy.

To assert that there is a “robber” amongst us is defamatory! Crime rates on Catan are among the lowest on the world, particularly for burglary and muggings. While there is the odd case of sheep-rustling and illegal logging, your use of a robber as a major part of Catan is unwarranted.

What’s worse, though, is your portrayal of our political system. To claim that Catan consists of a group of militaristic barons is erroneous at best. Our county-based government system has proven successful in developing roads and cities on our island and we have not had any civil war for at least five turns.

Even your cartographic representation of our island is incorrect. Catan looks nothing like the map you use. It’s shaped like an isosceles triangle, not the hexagonal shape used in your board game. And where is this desert that you have placed right where our capital city is?

I hope you issue a full apology for your misleading depiction of the inhabitants of Catan and rename your game. May I suggest the title “The Settlers of Monkey Island” be used?

Yours faithfully,

Andrew Setlar.