Category Archives: Parody
Fairly self-explanatory, this one.
Notes for the big presentation
We are Alternative Weapons Inc.
New development of technologically advanced weapons
Firm set up in 1956
Aim: To invent weapons that can be easily disguised
Now have our FIRST EVER range of weapons.
Development process – history
Consumer surveys in late 1950s.
- Highlighted lack of “disguisable” weapons
- 10 years spent on developing “broom guns” and kettle grenades.
- Unsuccessful so swept under the carpet
*pause for laughter*
More consumer surveys in 1970s
- Importance of making veterans feel useful.
In the past decade
- Government military cutbacks
- Need to cut costs
Development process of current weapons
Goals we need to satisfy:
- Weapons need to be disguisable.
- Weapons need to be used by Vietnam vets
- i.e. the old
- *mention possibility of getting vets involved in the army*
- Weapons need to be cheap to build
The main attraction – remember the MOCK DRUM ROLL
The “Zimmer” frame
- tubular steel frame
- rubberised handles for extra grip
- front legs contain shot-guns
- pull back on handles to load
- twist to fire
- patented StabilityPro(TM) 5 leg layout
poss: demonstration? Need to find an old person to operate it. Searchnursing homes.
Zimmer is fully customisable
instead of shot-guns, can have:
- Tommy gun
- RPG launcher
- Dart Gun
- Water squirter
comes in a range of colours
other optional extras
- knife sheath
- radio antenna
- shopping basket
£100 for the zimmer + £500k for the weaponisation
Buy 10 and we’ll throw in a free Shuriken holder with each zimmer.
Other weapons in the range:
Armoured mobility scooter:
- 2 person capacity
- Speed: 2-4mph
- Range: 10-15 miles
- Weaponry: Manned Machine gun
- 1lb is equivalent to 10lbs of C4
- Sticks to all materials, including gums
Robotic Shopping basket
- 2 robotic arms
- Blast Shield
- Can hold all your weekly shopping
Note – likely questions:
When can these weapons be ready?
Do we get discounts for bulk purchases?
What other weapons do you have in development?
Hey kids, look at me! Don’t I look tasty? And all these vibrant colours! They add to the flavour! Yummy, yummy flavour! I taste of chocolate, ice-cream, and sweets. All in one cereal! Aren’t I great?
Plus, marshmallows! Yummy marshmallows. I haven’t copied this idea from other breakfast cereals at all! Likewise my honey nut goodness, my flakes made of corn, or happy looking “o”s. I’m a 100% original breakfast cereal.
And sugar! Lots and lots of sugar! But don’t tell your parents that. Tell them I’m nutritious. And I contain lots of bran. Parents lap that shit right up. They can’t get enough of bran. But you and me, we know the real truth. That’ll be our little secret.
Look – a free toy! You can eat that too if you want. And it’s just small enough to swallow too! But it’s more fun to play with. Especially at the same time as you’re eating me. That’s right, drop it in the milk. But don’t eat the toy – eat me instead. I taste far more like plastic than the toy, so if it’s that unforgettable plastic taste you want, then eat me!
Did I forget to mention that I make the milk go rainbow coloured? I did? Well, there you go – add me to milk and the milk changes colour. Magic! The FDA claim that’s because my artificial colourings leak into the milk and they’re right! But don’t tell that to mummy or daddy. No! Instead, tell them I’m all natural. No added preservatives or colourings. Another of our little secrets!
Look, look at this box! It just screams “tasty”! Now, go and scream “tasty” to your parents while pointing at me. Go on, do it! And if that doesn’t work, start crying. You know crying always works! If your parents don’t buy me it means they don’t love you. Don’t let them buy those bran flakes. Get them to buy me! Then you can have a happy family! Throw a tantrum to make them buy me and your parents will love you!
Vimto 2010 – Deep purple colouration, although some clarity remains. Notes of summer berries on the nose. Firm taste of blackcurrants and raspberries, with subtler remnants of oak and black pepper in the after-taste. Drink now.
7Up 2008 – Clear liquid. Good carbonation that isn’t overpowering. Scents include lime and bison grass. Minor hints of basil too. A strong citrus taste, discernible even to the novice. Less obvious are the hints of pine and cardamom. Wholeheartedly recommended
Coca Cola ’82 – Heavy on the nose with hints of caramel and earthiness. Strong flavours of molasses and fruit, enhanced by the low carbonation. Slight truffle character with hints of cinnamon and nutmeg. Slightly acidic after-taste. An experience to be savoured.
Dr. Pepper 2007 – Dark tint, almost completely opaque. Decent nose – mixed fruits stand out. Subtle scents of aniseed and ginger underneath. The flavours mirror the scent, with the addition of hints of cocoa. At its best now – don’t hesitate to drink.
Irn-Bru 2011 – Vibrant orange colour. Strong nose – plenty of orange and lavender. Less powerful to taste – clear flavours of citrus and burnt toast. OK, but would benefit from a few years’ maturation.
Crush 2010 – Good clarity, with yellow tint. Hints of pineapple and nettles on the nose. Little taste to start with. Good levels of carbonation allow the middle flavours of citrus and exotic fruits to come through. A slight hint of mango in the mild after-taste that doesn’t linger. Satisfactory.
Tizer 1997 – Pale red colour. Some sediment at the bottom, so requires decanting. Almost nothing on the nose – a minor hint of orchards. Very weak taste of summer fruits. Clearly past its best.
No, it’s OK. The show will go on. This is just a minor setback. The
stage-hand didn’t mean to drop the chest of drawers on Dave’s foot.
If anything Dave was to blame for having his foot under the chest of
drawers anyway. Dave’s understudy is getting ready now, so it should
be fine. All he’s got to do is find someone to play his part and then
we’ll be fine.
You mean having the lead actor’s understudy playing a supporting role
isn’t particularly clever? Well, there are plenty of jobbing actors
hanging out round the back of the building. We’ll just have to get
one that isn’t too high from huffing glue. And it’s not as though
anything else can go wrong.
What’s that? Part of the gantry has fallen down? How on earth did that
happen? Well is the lighting guy injured? A couple of broken bones?
Tell him to get back up there and fix the lighting then. We might be
able to replace an actor, but there’s a real shortage of lighting
Unfortunately half of the sets were destroyed in a fire last week, so we’re having to make do with sets made from cardboard and double-sided tape. Yeah, we’ve roped in the cast’s children to help. Although that means some of the dancers have come down with shingles, we’ve made real progress with the sets. Plus, the kids get to learn about the theatre too, so everyone wins.
Right. Almost ready now. Bugger; where have the plastic swords gone? Melted? Balls! We’ll just have to use the real ones. And they’ve just been sharpened too. Well, there’s no choice now. What can go wrong anyway?
OK guys – curtain up in five. And remember to watch out for the fire-breathing dragon in the front twenty rows.
COLONEL SANDERS EXONERATED ON CHARGES OF AIDING AND ABETTING THE ENEMY.
Contact: Lieutenant Smith, KC PR Office
June 14th, 2011
Louisville, Kentucky: Colonel Sanders is a free man once again. Having been charged with aiding and abetting the enemy in multiple combat situations across the world, Colonel Sanders has been exonerated of all these charges and been offered a full apology by the United States Military.
When KFC opened its first outlet in Pakistan in 1997, it was welcomed as a landmark in US-Pakistan relations. Since then, things turned sour, with accusations flying that KFC was feeding the Taliban and turning a blind eye to arms deals being conducted by groups of men sharing a Family FeastTM. Worse was to come in April 2010 when Colonel Sanders was personally accused of supplying the enemy with weapons in the form of those little toys you sometimes get with children’s meals. Remanded in custody from until his trial, Colonel Sanders had maintained his innocence throughout and has now been vindicated.
On leaving the court, Colonel Sanders said, “I would like to thank my fans for their support, my family for their unquestioning love and my cell mate for his amusing impressions of Ronald McDonald and The Hamburglar. I will be suing for compensation against the US Military for all their defamatory statements, particularly the one about the lack of chicken in my Chicken ManiaTM meal.”
At this point, it is important to note that the release of Colonel Sanders has nothing to do with KFC agreeing to update the Army’s MRE (Meals Ready-to-Eat) rations to include the Zinger BurgerTM and KFC’s Spicy SubTM.
Notes for Editors:
Colonel Sanders opened his first restaurant in 1930, before expanding his business to include other franchisees. He sold the KFC business in 1964, but was kept on as a figurehead.
KFC is part of the Yum! Brands Group and has franchises in 109 countries and sells food that is healthy and nutritious.
GENERIC CITY SAFARIS invites you to join us for a delightful urban safari.
Come and enjoy the amazing sights of an urban sprawl. Experience the real-life atmosphere of grid-locked roads during the “rush hour”. With GENERIC CITY SAFARIS you can witness species in their natural habitat: the tired office worker, the wandering tourist, and the retired drinkers. The lucky few may even chance upon that rarity – the sophisticated homeless person (for GUARANTEED sightings of this most amazing sight, see the section on guided tours below).
Accommodation: At GENERIC CITY SAFARIS we provide you with accommodation to suit YOUR needs. Whether that be walls or running water, we can satisfy all your most basic needs. However, for that most authentic of city experiences, we recommend our Deluxe Cardboard rooms. These rooms, refurbished daily, are constructed from the most exquisite corrugated cardboard boxes. With built-in air conditioning and dramatic city-views, the Deluxe Cardboard rooms must be seen to be fully appreciated.
Dining: On your GENERIC CITY SAFARI you will feast on all the local
delicacies. Our tour guides know all the best dining establishments,
so your journey will be filled with such culinary delights as kebabs,
hot dogs from street vendors, packets of crisps obtained from
functioning vending machines. Friday nights are our special takeaway
nights – that’s right! Those of you with us on Fridays will get to
have your very own takeaway. That’s worth the journey on its own.
The natural sounds of the city: You can’t get through A GENERIC CITY
SAFARI without the sounds of the city. Depending on your location you
can enjoy the sounds of honking horns, pneumatic drills, drunken
fights, ridiculously loud music, and much, much more. Disclaimer:
although hearing aids can be provided, those vacationers who are hard
of hearing may not be able to fully enjoy this aspect of their
GENERIC CITY SAFARI.
Families: GENERIC CITY SAFARIS are suitable for families as well as individual travellers. Children of all ages are most welcome and are highly unlikely to go missing during your holiday.
Guided tours: A GENERIC CITY SAFARI experience would not be complete without one of our world-renowned guided tours. We offer tours of all the highlights, or if you prefer, those areas off the beaten track. Tours include “The Two Pub Pub Crawl”, “The Sophisticated Homeless”, “Taxi-spotting”, and our most popular “Road works and Other Traffic”. During the summer we also offer a “Street-cleaning” tour, allowing our guests to become one with the city through its discarded street-litter.
Location: We offer safaris in a large number of generic cities, and this number is increasing every day. For information on your nearest GENERIC CITY SAFARI contact us by shouting really, really loudly.