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Cap’n Crunch has a new rival

Hey kids, look at me! Don’t I look tasty? And all these vibrant colours! They add to the flavour! Yummy, yummy flavour! I taste of chocolate, ice-cream, and sweets. All in one cereal! Aren’t I great?

Plus, marshmallows! Yummy marshmallows. I haven’t copied this idea from other breakfast cereals at all! Likewise my honey nut goodness, my flakes made of corn, or happy looking “o”s. I’m a 100% original breakfast cereal.

And sugar! Lots and lots of sugar! But don’t tell your parents that. Tell them I’m nutritious. And I contain lots of bran. Parents lap that shit right up. They can’t get enough of bran. But you and me, we know the real truth. That’ll be our little secret.

Look – a free toy! You can eat that too if you want. And it’s just small enough to swallow too! But it’s more fun to play with. Especially at the same time as you’re eating me. That’s right, drop it in the milk. But don’t eat the toy – eat me instead. I taste far more like plastic than the toy, so if it’s that unforgettable plastic taste you want, then eat me!

Did I forget to mention that I make the milk go rainbow coloured? I did? Well, there you go – add me to milk and the milk changes colour. Magic! The FDA claim that’s because my artificial colourings leak into the milk and they’re right! But don’t tell that to mummy or daddy. No! Instead, tell them I’m all natural. No added preservatives or colourings. Another of our little secrets!

Look, look at this box! It just screams “tasty”! Now, go and scream “tasty” to your parents while pointing at me. Go on, do it! And if that doesn’t work, start crying. You know crying always works! If your parents don’t buy me it means they don’t love you. Don’t let them buy those bran flakes. Get them to buy me! Then you can have a happy family! Throw a tantrum to make them buy me and your parents will love you!