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A complaint to Mayfair Games

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to complain about your board game “The Settlers of Catan”. This game paints a false picture of life on Catan.

For a start, Catan has a thriving economy that is based on more than just the primary sector businesses included in your board game. We are one of the world’s foremost providers of insurance services and are leading global research into nanotechnology. Tourism is also an important part of our economy, yet none of these businesses are included in your game. Instead, you portray us as lowly primary-sector workers who only contribute wool, ore, grain and lumber to the world. And please tell me, how do hills yield bricks? You completely ignore the massive industry (such as kilns etc.) needed in brick production. Instead, you indicate that Catan magically obtains its bricks from some hills.

Furthermore, your statement that “there is no 7” is a blatant claim that we cannot count. This is a bare-faced lie! Some of the world’s greatest mathematicians have settled in Catan. Moreover our education system has a well-established curriculum to ensure that all high-school leavers graduate with the necessary arithmetical skills in order to contribute fully to our economy.

To assert that there is a “robber” amongst us is defamatory! Crime rates on Catan are among the lowest on the world, particularly for burglary and muggings. While there is the odd case of sheep-rustling and illegal logging, your use of a robber as a major part of Catan is unwarranted.

What’s worse, though, is your portrayal of our political system. To claim that Catan consists of a group of militaristic barons is erroneous at best. Our county-based government system has proven successful in developing roads and cities on our island and we have not had any civil war for at least five turns.

Even your cartographic representation of our island is incorrect. Catan looks nothing like the map you use. It’s shaped like an isosceles triangle, not the hexagonal shape used in your board game. And where is this desert that you have placed right where our capital city is?

I hope you issue a full apology for your misleading depiction of the inhabitants of Catan and rename your game. May I suggest the title “The Settlers of Monkey Island” be used?

Yours faithfully,

Andrew Setlar.

Colonel Sanders releases a statement after being exonerated by a military tribunal

COLONEL SANDERS EXONERATED ON CHARGES OF AIDING AND ABETTING THE ENEMY.

Contact: Lieutenant Smith, KC PR Office

555-7983

June 14th, 2011

Louisville, Kentucky: Colonel Sanders is a free man once again. Having been charged with aiding and abetting the enemy in multiple combat situations across the world, Colonel Sanders has been exonerated of all these charges and been offered a full apology by the United States Military.

When KFC opened its first outlet in Pakistan in 1997, it was welcomed as a landmark in US-Pakistan relations. Since then, things turned sour, with accusations flying that KFC was feeding the Taliban and turning a blind eye to arms deals being conducted by groups of men sharing a Family FeastTM. Worse was to come in April 2010 when Colonel Sanders was personally accused of supplying the enemy with weapons in the form of those little toys you sometimes get with children’s meals. Remanded in custody from until his trial, Colonel Sanders had maintained his innocence throughout and has now been vindicated.

On leaving the court, Colonel Sanders said, “I would like to thank my fans for their support, my family for their unquestioning love and my cell mate for his amusing impressions of Ronald McDonald and The Hamburglar. I will be suing for compensation against the US Military for all their defamatory statements, particularly the one about the lack of chicken in my Chicken ManiaTM meal.”

At this point, it is important to note that the release of Colonel Sanders has nothing to do with KFC agreeing to update the Army’s MRE (Meals Ready-to-Eat) rations to include the Zinger BurgerTM and KFC’s Spicy SubTM.

Notes for Editors:

Colonel Sanders opened his first restaurant in 1930, before expanding his business to include other franchisees. He sold the KFC business in 1964, but was kept on as a figurehead.

KFC is part of the Yum! Brands Group and has franchises in 109 countries and sells food that is healthy and nutritious.